"Both Rachel Maddow and Piers Morgan say we're doing the wrong thing....he's got a British accent so it must be true." stated Remington CEO Robert Nardelli. He added that "..just the other day I saw somebody post that they changed their FaceBook profile pic to bring awareness about gun violence....you just can't argue against that type of sentiment shown by the masses".
|Here members of the Remington board of directors take part in one of the companies new gun turn in programs where the company will reimburse gun owners with health care vouchers good towards Obamacare for each weapon turned info destruction.|
Ruger CEO Thomas Dineen reportedly organized the surrender of his company after watching the Michael Moore documentary "Bowling for Columbine" which he described as "engrossing" and "thought provoking". Attempts to contact him have failed so far as, according to his secretary, he has locked himself inside of his personal lavatory in his office and is to afraid to come out knowing how many guns are waiting for him in order to animate themselves and kill him in his facility.
Colt Manufacturing, of Hartford, CT, is a primary defence contractor supplying M4 carbines to the military as well as producing firearms for the civilian market. It has shut down all manufacturing in its home state and is planning to liquidate inventory as soon as possible. "This is Connecticut for crying out loud!" said Colt marketing director Mark Roberts "we have already tragically seen what an AR pattern rifle can do in this state." He added "we are committed to getting these assault weapons as far away from Americans as possible and are now in contract with a third party buyer to sell and ship them to the other side of the globe." While Roberts would not discuss particulars of the deal, it has been reported that the Peoples Republic of North Korea has applied for permission to dock ships at both New Haven and Newport for the purpose of "trade" Reuters reports.
Even Glock, who does not manufacture its components in the United states but assembles them in it Georgia headquarters is calling it quits. Company founder Gaston Glock released a press notice stating "Since my company first went into the firearms business I have made a lot of money...a shit load to be more exact. I got a beautiful blond wife 1/3 of my age that rides horses...do you know what that does to a woman's thighs? At this point in my life this is as good of an excuse to take the money and run as any other, so screw it....I'm out".
The NRA has pulled all lobbyists from its DC offices and is transferring all monetary assets from its associated trust funds and coffers equally to the Brady Campaign and MAIG. The extensive museum it once maintained is being turned into an Islamic cultural arts center and the weapons once housed there have been sent to Utah to be buried under tons of cement in an abandoned tin mine. While he has refused to comment directly, news photographers have videotaped Wayne LaPierre sitting alone at a Fairfax bar shaking his head while drinking burbon and cokes muttering "what the fuck were we thinking?" over and over.
The only manufacturer to refuse to shut down is Hi-Point Firearms of Mansfield, Ohio. They announced yesterday that they are now the primary contractor for the DOD and will be replacing all M4 series weapons with their 995 9mm carbines. They have also been announced as the nations now sole supplier for law enforcement sales.
|An unidentified Specops trooper upon being issued his new Hi-Point sidearm...|