...way to go Comanche...
Some of the match ups have been pretty good, such as a a Greek Spartan vs. a Samurai or the Celt Warrior vs. a Persian Immortal. Some have been down right silly...like a pirate vs. a knight or Shaka Zulu vs. William Wallace. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind seeing some more modern comparisons or actual evaluations of warriors that actually fought each other. How did the US Infantryman stack up against the German Soldat, or maybe the Brit Solder vs. the Argentinian Marine? It would be interesting to see if the evaluation of weapons was reverse of the actual historical outcome of the battle.
The other thing that "kills me" about the show (get it) are some of the experts that square off verbally demonstrating the weapons of their particular side. Seriously, they actually found somebody that claims to be a "Pol Pot weapons expert" (Episode 27)? All of them claim that their particular style or warrior was the best because of this or that...in reality, all of them probably fought the best way they could with what resources they had based on their experience with previous battles. Think about it, after Vietnam the US Army was all light Infantry, after the (First) Gulf War it was all armor heavy and after we get done in Afghanistan and Iraq it will probably be all motorized and mountain. Some of the experts are actual decedents of the peoples and cultures for which they represent, some not so much. Seriously, where do I go to learn how to be a ancient Aborigine Ax throwing expert as a white guy from Ohio?
One thing that they will soon be doing is looking at totally fictional battles, such as the upcoming zombie vs. vampire...no, its true. They are now doing fictional forces. Next it will be dwarves vs. hobbits or some other crap. Personally I would like to see some semi-real stuff before I see total fictional fights that all the sci-fi fanboys can argue about for hours on the internet about...oh wait, they are already doing that now with this show. I was thinking about maybe a comparison of say a redneck versus a homeboy, but I got a better idea....
I think some famous psychologist said something about men using large objects to compensate for other “shortcomings”. In this regard the Mall Ninja excels in this instance. He blows a entire savings account built over 2 years from his job at Best Buy to get himself a semi-auto .50 rifle with a high power scope on it. This scope can see the rings of Uranus if the sky conditions are right. Each round for this thing costs as much a quarter pounder with cheese…a fact that the mall ninja notice right away. Still, on the desert range he drive SIX HOURS away from his home to use it on (with desert BDU’s on of course) it does look very impressive shooting cinder blocks at 50 yards away with a round that has been used by trained snipers at over a mile…The Fudd on the other hand carries a “slightly” cheaper option, a stock bolt action deer rifle bought at his local gun shop topped off with a mid range hunting scope. Chambered in a “real” deer round, .30-06, the rifle has seen many a cool morning at the hunting camp and more deer have been taken at 200+ yards with it than times the mall ninja has seen the LOTR trilogy (well, almost). Both offer a hard hitting round against human targets, with the .50 definitely having the nod in the “overkill” category. In the overall scheme of things, I have to give the nod to the Fudd on this one, his knowledge of the weapon and its capabilities in a field environment vastly outweigh its usefulness against the Fudd and his massive cannon that he can only barley move on his own and wonders why the military Mil-Dot scope he paid for doesn't have dots on it.
Winner: Fudd .30-06
While not technically weapons, both of the warriors special tools are again useful in their intended environments. The mall ninja actually primarily exists, at least part time, on the internet itself. His fearsome claims and profile information make a very intimidating persona that he uses to intimidate foes. Yes, it is not a direct action weapon, per se, but more of psychological. It is his primary source of training material and has answered all of those questions he had about which exact weight of bullet to use in his new 6.8 AR to punch through phone books at 25 meters with. Plus, with the vast array of information (that is always 100% correct, of course) the mall ninjas mastery of IPB (Intelligence Preparation of the Battlefield) is nearly flawless. He knows every nook and cranny of his home mall and especially where to get Sbarro coupons for free pizza in the food court. The Fudd himself is no stranger to the black arts of psychological warfare....on ducks. His decoys and duck calls confuse migrating bird to "come on down and sit a spell" within range of he shotguns field shot. Used against a mall ninja I don't know if would be effective or not unless the mall ninja would pop his head out to see just what the hell a duck was doing in his mall. The fudd simply dismisses "them internets" as a passing phase, although he likes passing on pictures of his trophy bucks with his AOL account which he has been paying for since 1998.
Winner: Mall Ninja's l33t interweb skillz
So, on the merits of weaponry its a 2-2 tie going into our battle to the death, let see who wins....
The mall ninja is walking down the mall on his normal "patrol route" when he hears a strange sound..."ducks? at the mall?" he thinks to himself. Peering around the corner he sees a flock of ducks sitting on the tables next to the Orange Julius stand on the far side of the food court. He thinks this strange but decides to take matters into his own hands anyways and prepares to annihilate the flock with his "bad mofo Fifty" and proceeds to set up the 45+ pound hunk of metal and plastic. Unbeknown to the mall ninja, he has just walked into the trap of the Fudd. Hidden in blind underneath the fake ficus tree over by Au Bon Pain sits the Fudd in patient wait mode...seeing the mall ninja he raises his trusty 'ol .30-06 and fires one, striking the $900 optic on the mall ninja's rifle, rendering it useless and really pissing the mall ninja off. The mall ninja howls in anger and swings his .50 towards the now reloading Fudd and fires off 2 rounds. Both go wide of their intended target, one punching clean though several woks at Hong Kong Express and another totally destroying the lemonade machine at Auntie Anne's Pretzels. The Fudd fires twice more, one grazing the shoulder of the mall ninja and the other hitting the fifty yet again rendering it totally inoperable. Unfortunately for the Fudd, 3 rounds is all he brought with him because, according to him, "three rounds is all a good hunter should need" and he's out. Both parties advance.
The Fudd levels his trusty shotgun at his quarry and lets loose with a fusilade of field shot in the ninjas direction. Unfortunately again, with the plug in the shotty he only gets off 4 rounds before he had to reload and begins to dig deep into his tween pockets for more shells. The ninja grabs a Slim Jim from his tactical dump bag and grabs a quick bite before "lock and loading" with his AR. He brings his carbine up on the still reloading Fudd and immediately sees that he failed to install new batteries in his EOTech site and must now extend his back up sights. He fires half a "clip" from his hip in the general direction of the Fudd as he dives behind the counter of Great Steak Escape to deploy his BIS system. The Fudd gets shot in the ass by one of the rounds and screams "you damn whippersnapper!!" as he loads the last of his shells. Running towards the crouching mall ninja he instinctively brings up his shotgun as the ninja pops back into view. The ninja yells "bust 'em!" and fires off another volley of .223 from the hip again as the Fudd closes in. One round knocks the Fudds hunting cap off of his head but not before he can fire a load of birdshot directly into the mall ninja who immediately falls to the ground. He cautiously approaches his fallen adversary like he was coming up on a wounded deer and kicks he AR away with his LL Bean boots. Placing the shotgun on the counter he bends down to examine his kill. Strangely he does not see any blood. Ripping open the front of his tactical vest the Fudd notices a rigid structure under the 5.11 tactical shirt the mall ninja is wearing. Ripping open his shirt the Fudd thinks "Holy Gecko45, this kid has duct taped his damn laptop to his chest as a ballistic plate. How the he......." The Fudd's thought is cut short by the piercing blow of the mall ninja's Rambo knife into the side of his stomach. Looking down, our Fudd sees the mall ninja glaring at him from behind his nomex balaclava. Grimacing in pain, the Fudd falls to his side and lays motionless on the floor.
The mall ninja stands over his fallen foe. He rips the Toughbook off of his chest, tearing a few hairs off in the process as the duct tape gives way. Placing the laptop on a nearby table he begins to type out his next entry on his Blog "Bullets and a Bodycount"
"Today I took out a hardcore 'Nam Green Beret vet that came at me out of nowhere disrespecting my rifle "Charlene"...nobody talks bad about my lady and gets away with it. I busted caps on him before taking him in hand to hand combat, luckily my Hikuta training paid off and"
A sudden hand rips the mall ninja from his chair by his ear and spins him around. The Fudd stands there with a red patch of blood on the front of his tweed and mutters "You Son of a bitch just cost me a perfectly good thermous of tomato soup!" taking a plaid plastic cylinder out of the inside pocket of his tweed jacket. He then plunges his hunting knife into the now exposed pudgy belly of the mall ninja and makes a quick upward stoke with the gut hook in a crimson spray. The mall ninja's eyes go wide as he realizes his folly of not finishing his adversary off. He crumbles to the floor in a heap. The Fudd surveys the area, bends over and looks at the screen of the laptop. Frowning on what he reads he grabs his shotgun, racks a round in the chamber and blows the laptop clean off the table.
"Damn kids..." the Fudd mutters under his breath as he walks away.
Winner: THE FUDD!!
Well, I guess that just goes to show you that expensive gear and watching the military channel are no real substitute for experience and training. While good, quality gear will make a difference sometimes between two similarly competent adversaries, it is a poor crutch for someone with neither the skill nor inclination to take using his toys, er weapons, correctly or assuming the responsibility inherent is using them.
Note: OK folks, this is SATIRE!! Please no hate mail about how the Deadliest Warrior is the most accurate simulation on the planet or how I made my decisions based on my own biases...save yourself the trouble. I admit it, I did. I am what I like to call a "casual" or "recreational" shooter and while I do have some military training as an Infantryman, I am far from being considered an "operator" by today's standards. I do have some "tactical" weapons and gear more for just casual enjoyment than anything else. Yes, I do practice what I can with my guns and could stand my own, but I lean towards the "mall ninja" buying habits more than I care to admit. The Fudd in me likes to keep things simple, because simple works, and I think between the two sides of my "gun persona" I keep a fairly decent balance. I hope you do the same, don't be afraid to spend a little cash on some "bling" for your "hobby guns" but always have a practical outlook on how they would be used if your family or your life depended on them and know what to keep and what to ditch when the shite hits the rotating blades!