2nd Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

"I ask sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people except for a few politicians."
- George Mason (father of the Bill of Rights and The Virginia Declaration of Rights)

Friday, August 19, 2011

Huey's Deadliest Warrior....Fudd vs. Mall Ninja

How many of you have seen Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV? Pretty entertaining premise but ridiculous results. Take two warriors that never fought each other from differing times and cultures and evaluate how they would have fared in a one-on-one no holds barred fight to the death. Taking the effects of various weapons and armor into consideration using state of the art diagnostic equipment and the evaluation of a martial arts expert, a computer whiz kid and a trauma surgeon, they input data into a computer modeling program that runs a series of 1000 simulations and comes up with a "winner", or which set of data would create the most kills against the other. The winner is then announced after a simulated fight based on the most common results from the simulation by stunt men with the action ending up close, personal and bloody like...like this..

...way to go Comanche...

Some of the match ups have been pretty good, such as a a Greek Spartan vs. a Samurai or the Celt Warrior vs. a Persian Immortal. Some have been down right silly...like a pirate vs. a knight or Shaka Zulu vs. William Wallace. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind seeing some more modern comparisons or actual evaluations of warriors that actually fought each other. How did the US Infantryman stack up against the German Soldat, or maybe the Brit Solder vs. the Argentinian Marine? It would be interesting to see if the evaluation of weapons was reverse of the actual historical outcome of the battle.

The other thing that "kills me" about the show (get it) are some of the experts that square off verbally demonstrating the weapons of their particular side. Seriously, they actually found somebody that claims to be a "Pol Pot weapons expert" (Episode 27)? All of them claim that their particular style or warrior was the best because of this or that...in reality, all of them probably fought the best way they could with what resources they had based on their experience with previous battles. Think about it, after Vietnam the US Army was all light Infantry, after the (First) Gulf War it was all armor heavy and after we get done in Afghanistan and Iraq it will probably be all motorized and mountain. Some of the experts are actual decedents of the peoples and cultures for which they represent, some not so much. Seriously, where do I go to learn how to be a ancient Aborigine Ax throwing expert as a white guy from Ohio?

One thing that they will soon be doing is looking at totally fictional battles, such as the upcoming zombie vs. vampire...no, its true. They are now doing fictional forces. Next it will be dwarves vs. hobbits or some other crap. Personally I would like to see some semi-real stuff before I see total fictional fights that all the sci-fi fanboys can argue about for hours on the internet about...oh wait, they are already doing that now with this show. I was thinking about maybe a comparison of say a redneck versus a homeboy, but I got a better idea....

Huey's Deadliest Warrior: Fudd vs. Mall Ninja!

The Fudd:

fudd2Urban Dictionary definition: Slang term for a "casual" gun owner; eg; a person who typically only owns guns for hunting or shotgun sports and does not truly believe in the true premise of the second amendment. These people also generally treat owners/users of so called "non sporting" firearms like handguns or semiautomatic rifles with unwarranted scorn or contempt.
The Fudd is our “old guard” gun owner, more comfortable in tweed and duck boots than in 5.11 pants and desert boots. He eschews all manner of “tacticool” firearms and only has a pistol as a “last resort” defensive measure. He believes that firearms are solely for the use of the shooting sports and only cops need to carry them in the general populace. Don’t let his lack of enthusiasm for tactical weapons and guns outside of hunting fool you into thinking he’s useless in a fight. His years of hunting duck have given him excellent reflexes and deer hunts have given him a keen eye for precision shooting at long ranges. Yes, this dog is long in the tooth but he can definitely still hunt.

Mall Ninja:

mallninja3Again, the Urban Dictionary definition:A term used in the firearm community to describe an individual who is obsessed with tactical, paramilitary style firearms and modifications, particularly firearms composed mostly of plastic. Such individuals are usually un-experienced novices who compulsively overpay for weapons and accessories not worth their weight in dog crap because such items looked cool in movies and video games.

The mall ninja is the gun cultures equivalent of a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings geek. They know more about any particular weapon than most top tier operators on an A Team in Afghanistan. They pride themselves on the sheer number of tactical accessories they can attach to their evil black rifles. Hell, even their knives have damn rails on them! They usually have an entire wardrobe of black and digicam fatigues to wear to the range as well as tactical vests (which he still calls “body armor”) and chest rigs that will never be used. However, if they are ever used there might be a problem for the mall ninja as his self proclaimed training came out of the last four editions of Soldier of Fortune and SWAT magazine and not the 18 months as a SEAL in Afghanistan he did after his stint as an Army Ranger and national rifle and dart champion…. His eyes are blacked out in the picture above due to his current position contracting with the CIA. Don’t let his inexperience fool you thought, what he lacks in experience he more than makes up for in advanced weaponry and enthusiasm.

I have talked about both of these categories of gun owners before, but just who is the "Deadliest Warrior" between the two of them? Well, I don’t have a fight club or advanced computer equipment to test their weapons…so I guess you will just have to make my own decisions on what the best weapon out of each category is and take my word for it. Now, on to the contest…

Short Range Weapons

Fudd: Hunting knife
Mall Ninja: Rambo survival knife

fudd knifeninja knife

Both parties here carry knives that are custom tailored for their individual specialties. The Fudd’s hunting knife with its 4” quality blade, bone handle and reverse gut hook is an excellent tool for ending a wounded deer and field dressing it for the hunt camp dinner. The mall ninja’s 9” stainless blade with saw tooth reverse spinle, detachable grappling hook spikes and hollow handle with a compass in the pommel help fuel the ninja’s fantasies and also allow him to successfully navigate the path between the magazine rack at the Barnes & Noble on the 2nd floor of the mall and the Starbucks in the food court on the 1st. Both knives are wielded by less than proficient handlers, the Fudd’s advanced years slow his swings and thrusts, but the light weight of the blade does help compensate. On the other hand, the mall ninja heavy and unbalanced blade weight make it unwieldy for him to operate, but at least the fighting techniques he has copied out of black belt magazine were designed to be used against a person and not a 120 pound deer handing motionless from a tree after being felled with a 150 grain .30-06. Still, actually having cut through flesh against only cutting sheets of paper and hair off of your arm does have some practical training value that doing self designed kata does not..

Winner: Fudd Hunting knife

Mid Range Weapons
Fudd: Franchi semi-auto 12 gauge shotgun
Mall Ninja: AR style Carbine

fudd midrangeninja midrange

A “Classic” match up of skill versus firepower. The Fudd’s Franchi is the only semi-auto firearm he owns, which is permissible since it is a expensive Italian made shotgun and he does have the magazine plug in place as mandated by Federal migratory bird hunting law. Years of patiently waiting on ducks and pheasants in the early morning have caused him to have a keen reflexes with that long barrel and field shot. In addition, the ability to switch to different shot loads to include buckshot and slugs for hunt during the appropriate seasons have also made this gun a “jack of all trades” in the capable hands of the Fudd. The mall ninja on the other hand comes equipped with an expensive little firearm of his own, an AR with more gadgets attached than actual parts in the weapon itself. ACOG sights with a magnifier, polymer magazines and clamps, a fore grip with a built in 300 lume light, bipod, a 14” barrel that the mall ninja paid a $200 tax stamp and waited a year to get, a 25 prong flash hider, a PEQ-2 laser designator he picked up off of Craigslist from somebody who took his issued in Iraq, 7 point tactical sling and a partridge in a pear tree to. Man, it kind of sounds like MY rifle…. The AR is capable of some incredible firepower and, on the range, the ninja is capable of some decent accuracy off of a bench rest. All of the extra tacticool add ons make his 6 pound carbine a 11 pound beast that the mall ninja may find hard to maneuver with when his only PT regimen is walking from the couch to the fridge several times a day for another Mountain Dew. Still that ability to reach out past the 100 yards or so that the shotgun offers with slugs and magazine capacity of over six times what the Fudd’s shotgun plug offers makes the AR a no brainer here, even if the ninja doesn’t know what the hell to really do with it….

Winner: Mall ninja AR

Long Range Weapons

Fudd: .30-06 bolt action rifle with scope
Mall Ninja: .50 semi automatic rifle

fudd longrangefudd longrange

I think some famous psychologist said something about men using large objects to compensate for other “shortcomings”. In this regard the Mall Ninja excels in this instance. He blows a entire savings account built over 2 years from his job at Best Buy to get himself a semi-auto .50 rifle with a high power scope on it. This scope can see the rings of Uranus if the sky conditions are right. Each round for this thing costs as much a quarter pounder with cheese…a fact that the mall ninja notice right away. Still, on the desert range he drive SIX HOURS away from his home to use it on (with desert BDU’s on of course) it does look very impressive shooting cinder blocks at 50 yards away with a round that has been used by trained snipers at over a mile…The Fudd on the other hand carries a “slightly” cheaper option, a stock bolt action deer rifle bought at his local gun shop topped off with a mid range hunting scope. Chambered in a “real” deer round, .30-06, the rifle has seen many a cool morning at the hunting camp and more deer have been taken at 200+ yards with it than times the mall ninja has seen the LOTR trilogy (well, almost). Both offer a hard hitting round against human targets, with the .50 definitely having the nod in the “overkill” category. In the overall scheme of things, I have to give the nod to the Fudd on this one, his knowledge of the weapon and its capabilities in a field environment vastly outweigh its usefulness against the Fudd and his massive cannon that he can only barley move on his own and wonders why the military Mil-Dot scope he paid for doesn't have dots on it.

Winner: Fudd .30-06

Special Weapons

Fudd: duck calls and decoys
Mall Ninja: the internet

While not technically weapons, both of the warriors special tools are again useful in their intended environments. The mall ninja actually primarily exists, at least part time, on the internet itself. His fearsome claims and profile information make a very intimidating persona that he uses to intimidate foes. Yes, it is not a direct action weapon, per se, but more of psychological. It is his primary source of training material and has answered all of those questions he had about which exact weight of bullet to use in his new 6.8 AR to punch through phone books at 25 meters with. Plus, with the vast array of information (that is always 100% correct, of course) the mall ninjas mastery of IPB (Intelligence Preparation of the Battlefield) is nearly flawless. He knows every nook and cranny of his home mall and especially where to get Sbarro coupons for free pizza in the food court. The Fudd himself is no stranger to the black arts of psychological warfare....on ducks. His decoys and duck calls confuse migrating bird to "come on down and sit a spell" within range of he shotguns field shot. Used against a mall ninja I don't know if would be effective or not unless the mall ninja would pop his head out to see just what the hell a duck was doing in his mall. The fudd simply dismisses "them internets" as a passing phase, although he likes passing on pictures of his trophy bucks with his AOL account which he has been paying for since 1998.

Winner: Mall Ninja's l33t interweb skillz

So, on the merits of weaponry its a 2-2 tie going into our battle to the death, let see who wins....


The mall ninja is walking down the mall on his normal "patrol route" when he hears a strange sound..."ducks? at the mall?" he thinks to himself. Peering around the corner he sees a flock of ducks sitting on the tables next to the Orange Julius stand on the far side of the food court. He thinks this strange but decides to take matters into his own hands anyways and prepares to annihilate the flock with his "bad mofo Fifty" and proceeds to set up the 45+ pound hunk of metal and plastic. Unbeknown to the mall ninja, he has just walked into the trap of the Fudd. Hidden in blind underneath the fake ficus tree over by Au Bon Pain sits the Fudd in patient wait mode...seeing the mall ninja he raises his trusty 'ol .30-06 and fires one, striking the $900 optic on the mall ninja's rifle, rendering it useless and really pissing the mall ninja off. The mall ninja howls in anger and swings his .50 towards the now reloading Fudd and fires off 2 rounds. Both go wide of their intended target, one punching clean though several woks at Hong Kong Express and another totally destroying the lemonade machine at Auntie Anne's Pretzels. The Fudd fires twice more, one grazing the shoulder of the mall ninja and the other hitting the fifty yet again rendering it totally inoperable. Unfortunately for the Fudd, 3 rounds is all he brought with him because, according to him, "three rounds is all a good hunter should need" and he's out. Both parties advance.

The Fudd levels his trusty shotgun at his quarry and lets loose with a fusilade of field shot in the ninjas direction. Unfortunately again, with the plug in the shotty he only gets off 4 rounds before he had to reload and begins to dig deep into his tween pockets for more shells. The ninja grabs a Slim Jim from his tactical dump bag and grabs a quick bite before "lock and loading" with his AR. He brings his carbine up on the still reloading Fudd and immediately sees that he failed to install new batteries in his EOTech site and must now extend his back up sights. He fires half a "clip" from his hip in the general direction of the Fudd as he dives behind the counter of Great Steak Escape to deploy his BIS system. The Fudd gets shot in the ass by one of the rounds and screams "you damn whippersnapper!!" as he loads the last of his shells. Running towards the crouching mall ninja he instinctively brings up his shotgun as the ninja pops back into view. The ninja yells "bust 'em!" and fires off another volley of .223 from the hip again as the Fudd closes in. One round knocks the Fudds hunting cap off of his head but not before he can fire a load of birdshot directly into the mall ninja who immediately falls to the ground. He cautiously approaches his fallen adversary like he was coming up on a wounded deer and kicks he AR away with his LL Bean boots. Placing the shotgun on the counter he bends down to examine his kill. Strangely he does not see any blood. Ripping open the front of his tactical vest the Fudd notices a rigid structure under the 5.11 tactical shirt the mall ninja is wearing. Ripping open his shirt the Fudd thinks "Holy Gecko45, this kid has duct taped his damn laptop to his chest as a ballistic plate. How the he......." The Fudd's thought is cut short by the piercing blow of the mall ninja's Rambo knife into the side of his stomach. Looking down, our Fudd sees the mall ninja glaring at him from behind his nomex balaclava. Grimacing in pain, the Fudd falls to his side and lays motionless on the floor.

The mall ninja stands over his fallen foe. He rips the Toughbook off of his chest, tearing a few hairs off in the process as the duct tape gives way. Placing the laptop on a nearby table he begins to type out his next entry on his Blog "Bullets and a Bodycount"

"Today I took out a hardcore 'Nam Green Beret vet that came at me out of nowhere disrespecting my rifle "Charlene"...nobody talks bad about my lady and gets away with it. I busted caps on him before taking him in hand to hand combat, luckily my Hikuta training paid off and"

A sudden hand rips the mall ninja from his chair by his ear and spins him around. The Fudd stands there with a red patch of blood on the front of his tweed and mutters "You Son of a bitch just cost me a perfectly good thermous of tomato soup!" taking a plaid plastic cylinder out of the inside pocket of his tweed jacket. He then plunges his hunting knife into the now exposed pudgy belly of the mall ninja and makes a quick upward stoke with the gut hook in a crimson spray. The mall ninja's eyes go wide as he realizes his folly of not finishing his adversary off. He crumbles to the floor in a heap. The Fudd surveys the area, bends over and looks at the screen of the laptop. Frowning on what he reads he grabs his shotgun, racks a round in the chamber and blows the laptop clean off the table.

"Damn kids..." the Fudd mutters under his breath as he walks away.

Winner: THE FUDD!!


Well, I guess that just goes to show you that expensive gear and watching the military channel are no real substitute for experience and training. While good, quality gear will make a difference sometimes between two similarly competent adversaries, it is a poor crutch for someone with neither the skill nor inclination to take using his toys, er weapons, correctly or assuming the responsibility inherent is using them.


Note: OK folks, this is SATIRE!! Please no hate mail about how the Deadliest Warrior is the most accurate simulation on the planet or how I made my decisions based on my own biases...save yourself the trouble. I admit it, I did. I am what I like to call a "casual" or "recreational" shooter and while I do have some military training as an Infantryman, I am far from being considered an "operator" by today's standards. I do have some "tactical" weapons and gear more for just casual enjoyment than anything else. Yes, I do practice what I can with my guns and could stand my own, but I lean towards the "mall ninja" buying habits more than I care to admit. The Fudd in me likes to keep things simple, because simple works, and I think between the two sides of my "gun persona" I keep a fairly decent balance. I hope you do the same, don't be afraid to spend a little cash on some "bling" for your "hobby guns" but always have a practical outlook on how they would be used if your family or your life depended on them and know what to keep and what to ditch when the shite hits the rotating blades!


Hoosier Jeff said...

That was hilarious! Is that another show I should add to the Netflix watch list? I already started to watch "The Glades", good show, really disrespectful and annoying kid though.

My Gun Culture said...

Just found your site! Love the sense of humor. Go Fudds!!!!

Timmeehh said...

"expensive gear and watching the military channel are no real substitute for experience and training."

This sums it up, whether it is fudd vs mall ninja or Nazi Storm-trooper vs USMC.

A hot pilot in an average fighter beats an average pilot in a hot fighter every time.

R.S.Breth said...

Awesome. Good job.If the "gun culture" needs more of it's humor.
Although this will piss people off, I have no doubt of that.

R.S.Breth said...

Awesome - if the "gun culture" needs anything it's more humor - although I'm sure this will piss people off - Fudd or Mall Ninja.

Huey said...

@Jeff...most definitely put in your watch list on Netflix..some of the evaluations are actually cool, like on the Samurai vs. Viking show when the katana cut clean through 2 whole pig carcasses but failed to get through viking chain mail...

woodybrighton said...

brilliant obviously in my country mall ninjas can only get hold of airsoft guns and nobody's allowed handguns.
Because the Government knows what we are capable of with a few warm beers and are fists :)

Huey said...

@Woody LOL...keep your head down mate with all of that craziness over there...

Huey said...

Wow, this post is getting 1,000+ views a day...guess its kind of taken off....

BuckeyeChuck said...

"Unfortunately for the Fudd, 3 rounds is all he brought with him because, according to him, "three rounds is all a good hunter should need" and he's out."

Bwaaaahahahahahaha. A good hunter only needs three rounds if he doesn't miss. And if he misses, is he really a good hunter? The Fudd should be humiliated!