June 14th, 2011
To celebrate the Army's 236th Birthday, the Army Chief of Staff made a surprise announcement today concerning the new look and direction of the Army with the
designation of new headgear and a service rifle.
After announcing the retirement of the black beret as the standard headgear worn by the Army, Army Chief of Staff General Martin E. Dempsey today announced that the tri-corner hat will now be the official headgear of the United States Army.
"We took a hard look at the history of the United States Army and found a piece of headgear that served this country during some of its most pivotal battles" Dempsey said. "While wearing this cap the Army both defeated and tied the Royal Army of Britain, which at the time as you know was the largest and most successful army in the World."
"Are aim is to instill a sense of pride in our current troops, all the while reminding them that they currently face a loose group of former goat herders and farmers and definitely NOT the largest and best army in the world."
The wool hat is both impervious to rain and snow, insulates in temperate climates and offers the soldier a UV protection rating of 35 against the affects of sun exposure. It will be available in black for field use and dark blue compliment the Army Service Uniform. Enlisted personnel in the ranks of E-6 and below will wear a plain edged hat, while Senior NCO's will be distinguished with gold piping and officers with an additonal plume of ostrich feathers in corresponding branch colors.
Assistant Director of Headgear Operations at Army Clothing Command LTC David Dumdeldorf added "We figured, what the hell, berets, boonie caps and watch caps haven't done anything for us so far so why the hell not? Plus, as an added bonus, our troops have been training and become accustomed to a worthless piece of headgear already so the pieces just fell into place themselves."
When asked about the practicality of Army Officers conducting combat operations both mounted and dismounted roles with large plumes of colored feathers identifying them Dumdeldorf replied "We have considered this possibility in the field, but after consulting with several wildlife experts we have a high confidence in the fact that both Iraq and Afghanistan do indeed have birds. We therefore theorize that the addition of feathers to the uniform of our officers is indeed a benefit as it will help them blend into their natural surroundings....you know, birds and stuff."
In a surprise announcement, to coincide with the introduction of the new headgear, the Army also announced the adoption of a new service rifle to compliment its headgear choice. The M-1776 is a .58 caliber, single shot weapons system that is optimized for the precise aimed fire that is desired on today battlefield.
"Again we looked at what worked for us in the past and found that the musket, while not the fastest firing weapon on the battlefield, did provide substantial monetary savings in terms of ammo and material cost over other considerations" said Dempsey.
"Our troops have been complaining and bitching about our current 5.56mm rounds not being powerful enough for them" stated COL William Bigbush, Director of Cool Weapons Division of Army Material Command. "While some studies have shown that a round in the 6.5mm to 7mm range might be an ideal compromise between ammo weight and long range accuracy and power, I decided that while on my watch we would do better."
"Forgoing the choice of a 6.5mm intermediate round, I have directed that we now adopt a .58 caliber/ 14.7mm low velocity round for our soldiers. That is more than twice the size that our studies called for!" Army leadership listened to soldiers and felt that after so many grumbling about the effectiveness of their current 9mm ammo selection versus the .45 ACP that they wanted, that the choice of "big and slow" over "small and fast" was an obvious one.
"And besides, have you seen the difference in the price of lead versus copper and brass on the scrap market?" added Bigbush "for years we had been giving that stuff away for pennies on the dollar, now with just one component to acquire, lead, we can save substantially over our current ammo costs."
"Thank God for my finance degree from Vincennes University" said Bigbush.
The M-1776 system offers full spectrum operational ability as well as a proven track record in both intermediate and close range combat. In a continuation of current policy, the rifle will not be issued with a bayonet or other such hand-to-hand capabilities.
"We felt that the addition of a sharpened point on the weapon might send the wrong message" COL Bigbush added "some might see that as a threat and we wouldn't want to put some of our own troops in harms way by trusting them with a sharp blade. We are however experimenting with the attachment of some type of reflective belt system to better reflect our command directives in theater"
Fielding of the new headgear and rifle should be complete by the end of the quarter and will be followed shortly by the introduction of the Modular PT Belt Safety System which will be a 8 piece reflective ensemble fielded for use in combat operations in theater.
"Our studied have also shown a lot of shiny stuff in Iran to blend in with" said Dumdeldorf . When mentioned that our current deployed status was in Iraq, and not Iran, Dumdeldorf added "Iran, Iraq...whats the difference, besides, I pop smoke and jump on the retirement train in four months...continental service all the way mofo's!!" and high fived an aid standing nearby.